collections 5:18

Dear Dad,

Why did you have to die? I really need you right now. I know it's been ten years, but I need you so much that I can't even breathe on some nights. It isn't fair that you left me when I was a kid... I didn't understand what it meant then and I don't understand what it means now. I just know that I need you. I can't take everything by myself and not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here to tell me everything would be okay- to support me in my goals and dreams, patting me on the shoulder the way you used to do and let me know that I can depend on you. I can't depend on you though- because you left me, and it's just not fucking fair. I can't keep swallowing this lump in my throat that's choking the oxygen from me... I can't keep digging into empty pockets and finding nothing but butterflies. Even butterflies migrate with their families, but since you left I barely have a family to depend on. I have a mother who works her ass off just to survive on her own and my brothers live aimlessly, with no hope to make much for the future. Weren't you supposed to invest in me? I don't want to cry alone anymore. I don't want to feel a part of myself die each time I fail you, because you aren't here to tell me to try again. I don't want to do any of this shit anymore. I want to be with you. I want you to hold me like you did when I was a little kid, but the closest I'll ever get is listening to my Iranian friends talk about their dads and try to connect all the dots that I've forgotten. I'm tired of this pain, this ache, this loneliness that I have to live with- I'm tired of my family being so far away while I stay in this epic city all by myself. I'm tired of living some nights, knowing that I have to take care of all my problems by myself. Was it worth it? Was it worth it to die the way you did? To give your life for my nieces and nephews in Iran, trying to get them to this country? Were they more important than me? Your oldest son? My mother and brothers didn't know that the tenth anniversary of your death had come, but I knew. I was counting the days, just as I've counted the days since you've been gone. Tomorrow I'll choke down these feelings for another day and I'll pretend like I don't want to cry anymore, just like I've done every day for the last ten years... but you were my best friend and my father and my hero. And now you're just a ghost and I'm still a boy who can't grow up because he never learned a goddamn thing that he didn't have to teach himself. I had to figure out where to go after high school on my own and what to do. I had to figure out how to take out a loan to pay for it and how to manage my time so I can make the most of my education. I had to figure out how to network and how to make the contacts necessary to succeed in my field and I'll have to figure out how to be successful in that field. I'll have to figure out what to say to a woman you love and how to raise your children and what retirees do for fun. I'll have to figure out how to be a man, because I'm just a fucking child- This is why I haven't grown or aged since I was thirteen. Because I've never been able to grow up without you.

I love you though. I always will. Please, help me... please.
Behnam