collections 5:2

I've spent the majority of the day smoking butts from ashtrays and watching bootleg films. Is this the story of a loser? Not quite. I'm working on a book actually- a novel, which has consumed my fantasies for the last year and some change. The story of a boy, not so different from myself, raised to host some ideologies that he doesn't necessarly believe. He was born in a different time, but the modern elements of this day and age have seeped into the fiction and so, his interpretation of his own society is an amalgamation of what he was raised into believing and what we believe today. Now I'm not saying this is award winning material, but I kind of love it. I love it so much that I would push all my resources into working on this piece of fiction as opposed to buying a pack of cigarettes or a few DVDs. This mentallity that my art will concieve my future is what people have defined today as being a modern "hipster." A lot of stereotypes go with this title and I'm not going to lie- I live out a few. I live in a community of artists deep seeded in a consistently evolving metroplis most well-known as Chicago. It goes by other names, but I don't care for them because they sound crumby- "the windy city." The implications that its windy on a regular basis is an understatement. If you live here, you know the weather sucks. I don't buy into that tourist pish posh. "The Second City," I hate even more, because it implies that we're like New York's little brother. I'll tell you what though- you take any New Yorker and plant him at the lake front, he'll more than willingly agree that our skyline beats his. The only interpretation I'm willing to stand by is "Chi-town" or "Chi-city." It's a very modern perspective in the way that we abbreviate everything as a trend for our current slang and that idea is most prevelent here in the city- something that you might only really understand if you followed the young adult scenes of Chicago. Now perhaps that's what makes me a "hipster," should you decide to define me that way. I'm sure the tattoos, piercings, skinny jeans, ridiculous hairstyles, pretentious tastes in film and music, and the cheesey hotel room furniture that I live on clarify that message as well- ether way, I don't buy into labels much. I don't feel anymore hip than anyone else, perhaps even less hip than most people for my strong views and negligence towards trends. In this day and age, everyone on a diet of coffee and cigarettes who goes to art school is supposed to fall under this title, but I'd rather just be a fucking hermit than succumb to a subculture that indiscriminately believes in only drugs and promiscuity. Not that I can't say I haven't indulged in either of those- I have. For chrissakes, I'm a 23 year old male living in the city. If I hadn't, I might just consider myself to be a little deviant. Not the atypical ideal of deviance, but the deviance of those guys who stalk girls online without ever sending them a message- the ones who play video games or watch foreign animations that give them the simulation of dating or falling in love, but don't. I'm a guy who lives and obsesses over nothing but my own work, who keeps a few friends close and a lot of acquantances close enough, and who buries his hours trying to build himself a means to the top so when that book finally does come around, I don't have to kill myself to publish it. As I write this, I wonder if this would make a decent about me on Myspace or Facebook or whatever the fuck kids are using these days. I rock both, which might further push me into the mentallity that I am "hip" although I highly doubt it, but for the longest time, my Myspace "about me" was this existentialist rant that I wrote before I even know what existentialism was. I thought about that the other day as I was watching some film starring some actor who's supposed to look a lot like me, and I concluded that perhaps I'm more intelligent than I ever thought I was. Don't get me wrong... I gutter myself on the regular about how intelligent I might or might not be. As far as my opinion goes, I'm a fucking foolish romantic who doesn't necessarily know what to believe in- who spends every waking out wondering whether a heart is something that pumps blood or inspires, although my opinion tends to be the former. I don't think I'll ever be some great philosopher or even a great writer, but it's nice to believe in myself for a change and have the evidence to show for it. I would call that "success" or maybe even "grandeur." Either way, I've got all these people believing in me anyway back home- home being multiple towns throughout Illinois. So that little boost of self-awareness makes me a little more inclined to not fail those kids who stuck up for me when the rest of the world said, "Why don't you find a practical major?" Listen, I'm not a practical guy. I'm a middle eastern American who, considering my experiences, has grown to identify with the Asian community and believes that our two communities, although slowly amalgamating, should be one. I'm a writer with no intention on studying to be an English major, simply because English isn't always the best way to define one's feelings and anyway, that major just gets me a job teaching English to punk kids who don't give a fuck like myself.

Maybe impracticality is what makes me so fucking hip.