collections 5:5

Change is the harbinger of maturity. There are those of us who cry for it, those who refuse it, and those who inevitably live in it always. Let's just say, throughout my day I run into some occurance of every one of these characters. Hell, you might say I live with every one of'em. However, my friends typically fall into two of those three categories... those who want change or those who live with it. Very rarely do my friends fight change, but I wouldn't be lying if I said my best friend was that way. In fact, I think that's what makes us best friends- because he's a constant reminder of my past, of who I was, and what influenced me up to this point. But I wouldn't necessarily say that it's good, and every opportunity I can, I attempt to bring him into the fold of chaos that I live in. Every friend that I've grown close to since then is, typically chaos, aside from those who want it and can't grasp it that I take under my wing to teach how to live. So would I say that my life is so action packed that I have that option? I've taken a few opinions and people either think I live a life of excitement or I desire it too much. This criticism stems from my changing fashion styles, beliefs, and other trends. I would say that these changes in me are brought on by changes in my environment and not vice versa. In truth, for years I fought change because of my inability to grasp anything stable and steer myself from anxiety and depression that I seemed to drown in on a regular basis. I only realized that by giving into chaos and leaving order behind would be able to cope with reality, the depression, and the anxiety. So, in those years of my youth, I abandoned most friendships and went with the flow of life, ignoring college for several years as I found myself in the middle of nowhere. That was when I really needed chaos, because in Varna, Illinois, there is no excitement... order is king and that king was in no way quieting the antagonistic whispers of my heart as I tried to cut a path into my future. In those times, I grew to accept order and found myself in college, where chaos would consume me again... as though balancing between the two was the only way to live appropriately in one. Since then, I would say I've been a combination of lawful and frenzied, spurred on by the excitement around me and my desires to succeed. Or maybe, because of my consistent change, I'm unwilling to change back to order again. Inevitably we all live in a combination of the two as opposed to selecting one perspective and adamanting our lives to it. Sendimentation is only proportionate to mindedness, either open or narrow and where on the balance one lies. The two extremes do nothing to insure that we'll live a life free of chaos or order, but at the very least give us a clear perspective of where we'd like to be during the uncoming moments following the present instance. The walls which we scale are those of our own devices and whether we're scaling mounts to find a home in the steep cliffs or scaling into valleys to find what hasn't yet been discovered in the cavernous depths, we're always climbing and in motion, unable to freeze for when we do, our disasterous thoughts come on to the point of questioning whether or not life is worth living. Many people get stuck part way through, unable to latch onto anything but the rope from which they're hanging. They fall into disaster, both of their own devices and those existing around them in their adled directions. Me? I guess I'm just riding this train wherever the rails take me... and should this train collapse beneath me, before I reach my stop, then so be it... I'll either compensate for the lack of propulsion or I won't.

Should that train stop before I reach home, at least I'll have my wings to fly me to sanctuary.